


Where I Belong

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-11
Updated: 2010-06-11
Packaged: 2017-12-04 15:55:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/712466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes I find myself feeling lost, searching for something that feels, perhaps, more right than my current path. Those are the times when I just get up and leave. I take a walk to nowhere in particular, drive as far as I can get on a single tank of gas, or ride the train to the end of the line only to find another and keep on going.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where I Belong

**Author's Note:**

  * For [daishimel](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=daishimel).



> for [](http://melinen.livejournal.com/profile)[**melinen**](http://melinen.livejournal.com/) ([](http://daishimel.livejournal.com/profile)[ **daishimel**](http://daishimel.livejournal.com/) ) for [](http://vk-springsmut.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://vk-springsmut.livejournal.com/)**vk_springsmut**. (No kinks, loving relationship needed.)

Sometimes I find myself feeling lost, searching for something that feels, perhaps, more right than my current path. Those are the times when I just get up and leave. I take a walk to nowhere in particular, drive as far as I can get on a single tank of gas, or ride the train to the end of the line only to find another and keep on going. Today when I left I thought I could find that purpose in a thousand steps, counting the cracks in the pavement under my feet as I traveled my chosen route. But I found that I just kept right on going, my feet determined to find something that my mind couldn't fathom, to cover a distance enough to make even me weary. Through the crowds, past the venders, and beyond my usual haunts I went. The sun went from far above me until it dipped down beneath the horizon, shrouding the city in the semi-darkness that Tokyo takes on. Here, here is a lack of stars in the sky, a lack of anything except pavement under my feet and neon over my head. Maybe this is one of the easiest ways to lose yourself, to fail to understand what it is you truly need. To be stuck in something so cramped and so repetitive that you lose sight of truth.

When my feet finally find pause, I lift my eyes from the ground. My body aches and my lungs are spent. I stare up at the achingly familiar building I've found my way to. It is completely across the city from my own home, tucked away from the main streets by several blocks and yet I walked it as if by memory despite never having _walked_ the route before. I ponder the disgusting color of the paint for half a second before my mind moves on, my eyes moving up. Fourth floor, fifth window in; something shifts in the window and for the first time in days a smile tugs at the corner of my lips. Mizu, Kaoru's miserable excuse for a cat. The thing is ancient, possibly older than any of us for all we know. Kaoru found her outside last year during a rainstorm, shivering and only half-alive behind the dumpster behind the studio. He didn't even hesitate, simply took her home with him and nursed her back to health. The last time I saw her was three weeks ago.

The memory is like a stab to my heart. The look that stupid cat gave me when I was leaving, the pitiful meow as she tried to follow me out the door. It was like she knew that Kaoru and I just had possibly the world's quietest fight. It was more like a discussion except for the emotion behind the words.

I turn away from the window and pull my jacket tighter around my body. I don't know who I'm trying to hide the genuine tears from, the glistening pools tucked at the edge of my eyes, threatening to overflow. But still, I try to hide it, to be discrete and blink them away, back to where they came from. He'd said he wanted kids one day, a blow to me like nothing else could have ever been. It gave the relationship we'd carried on for two solid years a finite existence, a time-frame shorter than the forever I had come to label it with. Maybe I was the foolish one, the pain of that impact going as deep as it did. But it made me feel played; like I was only in his life because he couldn't be with a woman and create his dream family just yet.

He called for days after I left, trying to get me to pick up my phone. When I ignored him for that long, purposely dodging him at the studio, coming in at early or late hours to avoid him, he got the point and left me alone. But now that I'm here, now that I'm standing here under his window, I'm coming to realize that I never wanted him to leave me alone. I wanted him to understand what I couldn't say. A pointless endeavor if looked at from the outside. No matter how much it would make things easier, Kaoru is anything but psychic.

I heave a soft sigh and turn to look back up at that window. Clear as day Mizu sits there, staring down like she's staring at me, like she already knows my plans. With renewed conviction I allow my feet to move me again, to carry me inside the building and into the elevator. And once I'm standing at his door, I know I can't take it back, I know I can't turn around and leave. I raise my hand and before I can even knock, Kaoru is there, the door open and hope shining bright in his eyes.

I do my best to offer him a smile, a gentle sign of my acceptance as he lets me in. I remove my shoes and accept the slippers he hands me in their place before following him to his living room. The place looks just like it always has, the table cluttered with yesterday's mail, the wood stained with rings from his tea mugs and crumpled packs of cigarettes beside the overflowing ashtray that only I ever bothered to empty. Mizu comes to greet me, twining around my legs and leaving her furry grey offering all over my jeans. I give her a scratch between the ears and she pads off, content that I'm here and all must be well.

Sighing heavily, I find a place between the discarded magazines on Kaoru's sofa, pushing off the slippers and crossing my legs. He pushes an unopened can of beer toward me and I accept it, popping the top and taking one sip of it before putting it back down on the table. I open my mouth to speak, but he beats me to it, his voice floating across the air toward me like the sweetest perfume.

"I'm sorry."

I shake my head, finally looking up at him. "Do you even know why you're apologizing?" He never does, he just tries and hopes I don't ask. Most of the time, I don't press it, not seeing the point. But today, I need him to know how much he hurt me, how deep that wound has gone.

He releases a sigh and shifts around nervously, like he's trying to come up with the reason somewhere inside his mind. After a few minutes, he just shakes his head. "No."

Mizu jumps up on the couch between us and meows loudly at him, stepping all over his precious guitar magazines, little grey feet bending the glossy pages as if she's doing it on purpose. He reaches for her and she turns her back on him, climbing into my lap and stepping around, finally curling up contentedly there. Kaoru glares at her. "Traitor," he mutters before looking up at me. "Are you going to tell me or do I have to guess?"

My hands fall on the cat, stroking those long strands of soft fur, giving me something to concentrate on besides our conversation. "You said you wanted kids, Kaoru. I could never give you that." My voice is quiet, the wound he created evident there. "You gave our relationship a finite span of time, whether you meant to or not." He's always done things he didn't mean to, said things the wrong way, or not said what he needed to.

He stares at me for a long moment before rubbing one hand over his eyes and then down over his nose and mouth. "I didn't mean it like that, Toshiya. I accept that I won't ever, but that doesn't mean I can't want it."

Again he says those words that stab, that hurt me deeper than he could ever fathom. I wince and my hand pauses on Mizu's back. "So I'm holding you back." There's a certain calmness in my voice that's almost deceptive. But at the same time, there's an ache in my heart that's clearer than it has ever been.

"No!" He looks frantic, his eyes wide and his lips slightly parted. One of his hands comes to rest on my shoulder. "Toshiya... don't you understand?"

I shake my head. What is there to understand? He wants children. I can't give him that. I assess that we're doomed to fail.

"You're all I ever want... all I ever need." His voice is filled with more emotion than I think he's ever showed me in our entire relationship. It's like he's baring his soul to me and somewhere under the words I hear the meaning. He loves me, but that's something he'll never say... something most of our culture would never say.

Mizu slips from under my stilled touch, disappearing from sight as if knowing she's done her part and the rest is up to us. I stare at him for the longest time before I slide closer to him, shoving his magazines to the floor. As soon as I'm close enough to really honestly touch him, I frame his face with my hands, my eyes meeting his. "You mean that." It's not a question. It's a statement, an affirmation of the truth. I can't doubt those words when he said them in such a way and I'd be a fool to try.

The world seems to stand still as he presses his warm lips to mine, as if sealing our fate with the gesture. His hands pull me closer, urging me onto his lap. I shiver at the full contact, the smallest sound of approval slipping from between my lips. He takes his time, his tongue swirling over my own again and again as he lowers me back on the couch. I know somewhere in the back of my mind what he's doing, what he needs. Kaoru's always been one to seal things with action. Simple words have never been his forte. He shows how he feels or what he wants by doing.

I allow him whatever he wants, giving him leave to do as he pleases to me as I read his every action. His touches tell me how much he wants me in his life, how much I mean to him. The tenderness with which he removes my clothing tells me he knows I'm fragile in a lot of ways. He tells me with his touches that he can be gentle. And when he pushes into me, he shows me how very much he needs me. He doesn't stop showing me for longer than I ever dreamt possible, his body moving over mine.

For the first time in my life, I realize what it means to make love rather than have sex. Pleasure is hardly the point. It isn't a race toward orgasm and it isn't dirty talk or kinky practices. Instead it's about one simple thing... one emotion that overshadows everything else.

When we cum, it isn't because we worked toward it or because we begged for it. Instead it's because our bodies are tired, worn, and at their limits. My release comes with a gentle sigh, a relief of sorts to the strain of my aching flesh. His follows only a few minutes later, accompanied by his body stilling over my own, his warmth spilling inside me.

He comes to rest over me, his face tucked against my neck and his breathing deep and somehow relaxed. My arms come up to wrap around him and I just hold him, knowing for certain that this is where I belong. It's where I've always belonged.

**The End**  



End file.
